Big brother says it best...heart breaking

Wish I could get these pics and videos where I want them....read below for some explanations.

First I should say that JJ seems to be doing great. He got over that last virus just fine after about 10 days. He is eating and drinking better although eating is still not great most of the time. He will eat 3 of something like he can't get enough and then on the fourth bite he just chews and spits it out. I guess he is still getting some of the calories if it is soaked in butter. Drinking is much better as he sometimes now drinks 4 to even 6 ounces at a time. Of course I will feel tons better after our next echo...December 4th, but I do think he must be doing ok. He has lost weight when he was sick but I think that is all back plus some. He keeps pulling on his belly and looking at it "how bout that...never had one of these before!"

So now, about brother, he called me in to his room after he was in bed last night. He wanted to tell me how to spell "mmmmmmmm or M and Ms." "You just put two Ms!" Then he called me again (this is not typical. He usually goes right to sleep). I kind of wanted to just peek in and say "Go to sleep!" But something told me he had something important to say. I went and sat on his bed and he began to tell me (at first with a nervous smile) that he did not want Jerry to die and that he is not happy about him going to heaven. He sobbed and went on and on about how much he would miss Jerry and that he is his "favorite" brother. It did not matter what I said, he continued to ask questions about when Jerry dies. My heart was sinking as I tried to figure out where this was coming from and what else to say. He asked if Jerry was going to have all those things that Papa had when he died. It was unclear then if he meant medically in the hospital or if he meant the funeral. I told him that Jerry's heart is better and he is going to be fine and they were going to grow up together (as I prayed that God would back me up on that). He veered off a little to talk about himself dying and mommy and daddy...he isn't "happy about anyone going to heaven." Ninety percent of it was about Jerry. He said he just wanted to go to sleep so I left and shut the door but went back in after listening by the door for a minute. He was talking (as if to someone) saying, "no I don't want him to die, why does he have to? He's my favorite brother and I will miss playing with him and I won't be able to see him. No, it's not ok." I took him down to watch a show and read a book and then I laid with him in bed and he seemed happy and fine. Then as we laid quietly he started again just whispering "I don't want my brother to die, I love him." My heart was aching. I had to go check on Jerry myself!

John and I tried to figure out if there are things he hears that would cause him to worry or if this is just the climax of everything building up that he has been through. Really, we don't talk about too many concerns for Jerry except his eating and how he needs to get so many shots. When I asked Isaac what made him think these things he just said "I was thinking of how I would miss him." He is usually pretty kind to Jerry and was even more especially so today. My sweet boy. I wish I could take away all of his worries so he could just be four.

I am going to attempt adding a few pics...mostly from Cleveland I think. The very Irish looking boy would be cousin Justin...our best blog commenter (competing with Sue Reilly he told me).. The beautiful Italian looking little girl is Dana, leukemia survivor! All of the cousins are great and we miss them a ton! Kind of embarrassed about the boys in the flannel shirts picture. Not everyone will get this but...they are doing the "daddy face." Precious.